It's Not Smut If it's Old
Posted August 25th, 2007 by tittyfix
The Venus of Willendorf is one of the first examples of the human form in art, and it seems appropriate to lead off this blog by discussing its significance in our culture. Experts date this relic to around 24,000 BC, which is to that about twenty-six centuries have passed since some pervert took a rock and carved a couple of boobies and a hoo-ha (and most likely masturbated to it like a 12 year-old boy with stuck in the bathroom at his grandmother’s house with a Macy’s underwear ad). It’s basically really old. It’s also generally one of the first things that you encounter during a survey course on art history. I wonder, sometimes, if it deserves a such a hallowed spot in the history of our culture. After all, when it all comes down to it, it’s just smut.
The More Things Change, the More They Stay the Same
Aside from its age, let’s examine what we really have here. This artifact is a sculpture carved from limestone and was discovered in 1908 by Josef Szombathy at an excavation site in Aggsbach, Austria. I can say with some certainty, however, that it is a human with very pronounced breasts, a hairless vagina, and a head without facial features. Its arms are coming across the top of it’s breasts and its head is topped with something like knit rastfarian cap. I think that’s all we really can know about it, and anything else is pretty much pure speculation.
Something that we know, but isn’t directly related to this sculpture, is that men like boobies and vaginas. I can’t say for certain, but I think that even 26,000 years ago men of that time also really liked boobies and vaginas, and, like men of this age, it turned them on.
If we take that men like tits and pussy, and we have a scultpture featuring very exaggerated forms of these two things, it would seem to follow that men would really like this sculpture. You might look at this thing and think “how in the world can anyone be turned on by such bulbous looking piece of shit?” Well, I sort of think it’s like porn from the 70’s. I look at the hairy vaginas and armpits in the adult films from that era, and, this is my opinion only, it’s kind of a turn off. This isn’t to say I don’t like 70’s porn, but I imagine a nose full of pubic hair smelling of patchouli and it doesn’t do a whole lot for me, but I do like looking looking at those mounds of fur.
Let’s illustrate this idea with a picture. To the left is a picture of Jenna Jameson during two different time periods. For example’s sake we will regard Jenna as the woman ideal, if only because of her prominence in the porn world when she was at her peak. On the left is Jenna during her peak when she probably caused enough ejaculations to fill the Indian Ocean. During that time she practically was the woman ideal. On the right is Jenna a few years down the line, having practically become the poster girl for the phrase “do not want”. She still has the exagerrated boobies, and vagina that men should really like, but time, you see, changes the woman ideal/ ideal woman to become a hideously grotesque curiousity (hideous, I tell you).
Anyway, that was all just the long way of saying tastes change, but something that remains constant, as far as I can tell, is that men love boobies and snatch, and they love looking at them whenever they can.
Are You Sure It’s Smut?
As I said earlier, everything aside from the facts of what the sculpture is physically is pure speculation which includes my assessment that the Venus of Willendorf is just smut. However, I am going by the hypothesis that smut changes cosmetically, but the underlying idea of it, and certain aspects of its form remains the same.
With that, take a look at the picture to the right. This was found via google image search on the first page for the term “flashing boobs”. It is a very typical sort piece of smut found on the internet. After you’ve examined this image, look back at the Venus. You should notice at least two things:
- Both have large boobies
- Both have their hands placed atop their breasts in a similar fashion
The illustration on the right is a stereotypical pose found in porn, and what it says is “come and suck on these ripe titties”. After you get past the sort of grotesqueness of the Venus, you realize that this is sort of the gesture that she making. She (the Venus) wants you to suck on her 26,000 year-old tits, and she (the girl pictured to the right) wants you to smear honey and whipped cream on her chest and treat her like an ice cream sundae.
It seems that if you take away the age from the Venus all you would have left is really bad porn. I’m not judging you if you’re masturbating to the image of the Venus; she does, after all, has an amazing rack. I’m just saying that without the mystique of age, all you have is an image of tits and ass; no more, no less.
The Venus of the Internet
The Venus is often explained to people as most likely being a fertility symbol. I think that this a bullshit over-intellectualization. I also think that it might be way of trying to sugar-coat that human beings are dirty, nasty animals whose main objective (aside from eating) is obtaining sex or being reminded of sex and it’s pleasures constantly. I don’t think it’s fair to assume that in our culture’s distant past there was a noble savage who made images of women with some spiritual pupose. I would gander that 95% of the images of the female form are made because, quite frankly, it’s a major turn-on. Human behavior doesn’t really change, as far as I can tell, and quite honestly, I would hate for some jackass in the future to come across the image of the girl flashing her boobs and spread some cockamamie idea that the purpose of her image to the people of its time was that it was some mystical thing meant to bring good luck in getting or getting someone pregnant.
In any case, what’s really important about the Venus, to me, is that it bridges the gap of ages between us and our very distant ancestors. We like tits and ass, they liked tits and ass. It’s a reminder that our humanity and culture has, at its base, a strong need for images of the female form, and that, in effect, 90% of the internet is merely an echo of that hunk of limestone boobage. (And if you ever need to explain to anyone why you’re browsing porn on the internet, you can always use the excuse that you were looking at fertility symbols; it’s a deeply spiritual thing.)
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